My Motto for Lent...Just Say No

I got to see Louis on Monday, for the first time in over a month. The weather hasn’t been cooperating much lately. I was supposed to go on Friday, but the weather predicted freezing rain, so I opted out of going, and then the bad weather didn’t materialize until Saturday…very frustrating. Louis called on Sunday morning and asked about the weather, I lifted the shade and looked out…and was startled to see the ground covered in snow.

So things weren’t looking too good for Monday, but then Monday dawned, cold but sunny. Louis had said he would call on Monday morning to see if I was coming, but then no call came (phones weren’t working there) and I thought nuts to this, just waiting around, and made a run for it. If he calls and I’m not here, he’ll figure it out eventually.

We had a great time. One of our most relaxed and easygoing visits ever. Once again I laughed so hard people stared. I honestly don’t remember what we were talking about. Menopause has a way of doing that to you. All I know is when it was time to go, I looked at him and said, “I really enjoyed this,” and he said, “Yeah, remember when we used to argue all the time…now I just let it go.”

I chuckled and admitted that I do the same. Funny, how years ago it seemed so important to hammer out every difference of opinion, practically beat it to death sometimes, and now…

Louis is a quick thinker. He has this habit of assessing a situation, deciding what the problem/circumstances are, thinking two steps ahead, and then acting on those assumptions. Used to drive me nuts. I’d spend hours either writing to him or arguing with him, trying to get him to see where he’d gone wrong in his thinking, which in most cases was simply a matter of how the male brain processes information vs. how the female brain does the same.

For instance, I’d say something, he’d put his own alpha male spin on it, quite often coming up with something totally different from what I intended or meant, and then either making a decision based on that assumption, or getting his feelings hurt and responding accordingly.

Meanwhile, I’d be sitting there thinking, “What the heck just happened?” What did I say? What did I do?

Or I’d get a letter in which his feathers were clearly ruffled, then go back and read what I’d written to him in an effort to figure out where he got such an off-the-wall idea.

Then would follow three weeks of trying to sort the whole thing out by mail, in which the situation would get even further convoluted, until one of us said, “Enough! I’m not talking about this any more.”

Now I understand this pro-active pattern he has, of taking in information, making an assumption (and you know what that does) based on his knowledge and life experiences, and then acting on that assumption.

Now I just let it go, let him go, racing two steps ahead, and sit back and wait for him to realize he was wrong and come back and tell me so.

He does the same for me. While I don’t jump two steps ahead, like he does, I am no slacker at jumping to conclusions.

I’ll jump to one, and he’ll wonder, “Where did she get that idea?” and then patiently wait for me to realize the error of my ways/thinking, and come back and say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, you were right, I thought you said/meant xyz, and that’s why I….” Whatever it is I did.

Now, instead of causing endless hours of head scratching and frustration, on either side, we just sit back and wait, knowing the other one will figure out the problem eventually, and come back around to discuss it with no small amount of wry amusement.

There’s comfort in knowing that will be the case. That no matter what comes along, eventually it will get sorted out and the friendship will remain.

For the past nine months we’ve been discussing the prospect of me dating again. It’s been ten years. It’s probably time. I seem to go in cycles. I want to, I don’t, I want to, I don’t. Some days I don’t know what I want. Others I think I do, but then time passes, and everything shifts all around again.

So I joined an online dating site--and got quite an education as to the not-so-wonderful world of dating for women over 50. Who’s looking for what, how the game is played, what certain messages and code words mean, how to spot the players and scammers at a distance, what to write in your profile and what not to, red flags to be on alert for in other people’s profiles, how the software mechanics of a dating site work…

I took all sorts of notes, and made several attempts to start conversations, all to no avail. For people who claim to be looking for love, friendship, soul mates, companions, or even just a pen pal, online daters are not a particularly open or friendly bunch.

Who knew? Just another one of life’s quirky paradoxes. Those looking for love are apparently the same group that is terrified at the prospect of finding it. I was startled by the number of men who couldn’t get off line fast enough once I responded to their messages. I’ve never had that happen before…never had a problem talking to anyone—male or female, co-worker, colleague or friend, online or off.

But dating seems to be a whole different ball game. I came away from the experience with a healthy sense of humor, and a folder full of papers, enough to write a short handbook on the subject. Maybe one day I will, and offer it as an ebook through my website. In the meantime, I’ve temporarily shelved my social life, in a bid to sort out exactly what I want to do with it, and to take some time out to get the dozen or so other aspects of my life in order.

To that end, for Lent, I’ve decided my motto is “Just say no.” For the next six weeks, I will not take on anything new, not make any new goals or commitments, not start any new projects, not try to meet any new people. I will only work on projects I have already started, complete classes I have already begun, honor commitments I have already made, and focus on the friendships and relationships already in my life. I will take the time to appreciate what I already have, take care of what is already mine, and take care of all those little projects I have been telling myself I will get to “one day.”

One day is here. And I’m feeling really good about that. I’ve already started, completing one small project a day, and find the sense of accomplishment both amazing and energizing. Books are getting read that have been lying around for years, pictures are being hung, closets are getting cleaned, letters and notes are being written, and life, while never dull around here to start with, has taken on a whole new shine.

I’ll keep you posted as things progress J.

Take care and be blessed. And if you come along with a request or an invitation and I turn you down, just know it’s not personal. It’s Lent.